1. Tequilla, it makes you happy

A young man walks into a pub and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want six shots of tequilla" responded the young man.
"Six shots! Are you celebrating something?" Exclaims the bartender. The young man nods and says, "Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh shot on the house."
"No offense, sir," replies the man, "but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

2. The lettuce and the minister

A Husband and wife go to visit their local minister to see how they become members of his church. The minister tells them they will have to take a of abstinence, two weeks without sex. The couple new it would be difficult but were determined.
Two weeks went by and the couple returned to the church to see the minister.
"So?" He asked "How did you find it?" The couple looked at him with slightly flushed faces.
:"Well." Replied the husband. "Everything was going fine in the first week, and the second two until she dropped the lettuce."
"Dropped the lettuce??" The minister exclaimed.
" Yeah." Said the husband. "She bent to pick it up and I just had to have her then and there."
The minister shook his head with disgust and said that they were not welcome in his church.
"Sod your church." Yelled the husband. "We're banned from bleedin' Asda!!"

1. Pussy and boot

A man and his girlfriend are driving down a long windy road. The man asks "If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?" and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, "You have to go get help. Go to that petrol station over there."
His girlfriend shakes her head, "Are you taking the piss? I'm naked."
"Well," replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the petrol station. She says to an attendant "You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped"
" 'I'm sorry miss" the attendant replies, "he's too far in.:"