1. Expensive donkey

There was an old man named George, and his only companion was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets£50,000. He decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes." He replies.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So George goes up to his room and opens the door. The room is fantastic, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied George. ''How much do I owe you?'' he asks.
''One thousand pounds for the food.'' Say's the manager.
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand pounds for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!'' Yells George.
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there, you should have slept on it. Your total is eight thousand pounds." George looks at the manager and with a calm voices says:
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.'' To which George replies:
''It was there. You should have!''

2. A Little Lysdexic Humor

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

3. Adam's New Organs

One day God and Adam were taking a stroll when God said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news."
''Well, give me the good news first.'' Adam said, looking slightly worried.
''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and it will also be very pleasurable.''
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''
''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.''

4. Last request

A man was lying on his deathbed, thinking about his four children, they were all beautiful except for his youngest, Billy. This had troubled him for many years and so he called to his wife. His wife came rushing into the room, "What is it dear, are you in pain?" The man shakes his head and replies, " No darling, but I'm going to ask you something now as I lay on my deathbed so please be honest. Am I Billy's father?"
" Yes Dear, you are 100% the father of Billy." The man smiles at his wife.
" Thankyou, with that I can die a happy man." And the man passes away peacefully. His wife leans back against the wall and takes a huge sigh of relief.
"Thank Christ he didn't ask about the other three!!!"

5. Bucket of bear

Mick tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink. His wife starts complaining that he's always at the pub and never takes her anywhere anymore. After hours of complaining, the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub.
They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to the bar for some drinks. While he's gone a man walks up to Mick's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry.
Mick's wife exclaims, "You sick pervert! Leave me the hell alone!"
Mick returns and his wife tells him what happened and asks him to go kick the guy's head in. Mick turns to his wife and says, "No way. A guy who can drink that much beer has got to have a pint on me!"

6. Amish newlyweds

Having just been married, an Amish couple decide to go to a hotel for their honeymoon. The Amish man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said this occasion was very special to them and they needed a good room. The clerk asked if he wanted the bridal. The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then replied, 'No, I guess not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

7. Bubble Trouble

One night three ducks were swimming in a private pond and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What were you doing in the pond after midnight?"

"I was blowing bubbles." Answered the first duck The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question.

"Judge, I was blowing bubbles." Answered the second duck.

He then called in duck number three and said, "So then, I presume you were blowing bubbles too?"

"No." Replied the third duck "I am Bubbles."

8. Chicken and the egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

9. Wild turkey

A wild turkey walks into a bar and the barman says:
" Wow, we've got a whisky named after you!!" The turkey looks up and say's:
" Really, go on then...I'll have a double Dave."

10. Lucy's goldfish

Little Lucy was in the garden one day filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Curious as to what the little girl was up to, he asked, "What are you up to there, Lucy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour looked at her with a concerned face, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" He said.
Lucy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

11. Little Johnny

Little Johnny has to stay behind after school one day. The Teacher decides to give him a test.
"Right Johnny, there are four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny thinks for a second then replies,"None."
The teacher shakes her head and says "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
"None Miss, one is shot and the noise scares the others away." Replies Johnny
The teacher looks at him and says, "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"
"Teacher, can I ask a question?" Asks Johnny
"Sure." The teacher replies.
"There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?" The teacher has no idea and decides to take a random guess.
"The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny Smiles; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

12. Sausage dog

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"