1. Definitely

A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
Little Rebecca raises her hand and says "The sky is definitely blue"
"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." The teacher replies and points at little Billy who's waving his hand frantially in the air. "Yes Billy?"
"Trees are definitely green" The teacher shakes her head again.
"Sorry Billy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks,
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK.." Replies Johnny, ".then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

2. The ideal breakfast

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it's about time they started swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.''

The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling his eyes out. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''

''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''

3. The whole truth

One day a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them. All you have to do is go up to them and say “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it . When he gets home he goes up to his mother and says “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him £20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Impressed with the trick, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him £40 and says, “Please son, don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. He decides to try it one last time. He looks up at the mailman and says:
“I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”